Wednesday, January 11, 2017

"I'm Not Conflicted At All About My Interests," By Donald Trump

Those idiot reporters, right? The clowns have been wrong about me for more than a year now. Wrong about everything. They said I'd alienate Republican voters in the primary with racism and bragging about my dick - it's like none of them had ever met a Republican. They said voters in the general wouldn't buy the conspiracy theories. And then finally they acted like being a woman running for the office was a bonus, and being an old, crazy white guy with no experience and a big mouth was a liability. Jesus.

So now they're talking about all my businesses. How they're "possible conflicts of interest," or some crap like that. They still don't get it.

Listen: saying Donald Trump might have conflicts of interest is missing everything about me. I do not have any conflicts about what my interests are.

Someone has a conflict of interest when there's a job they must do that stops them from grabbing all the ass and all the cash they can get their hands on. That someone is never me. Never.

I came to this town to swindle my hillbilly fans out of their insulin money and seize every multinational by the ankles and shake them until coins jingle out in fucking piles. Absolutely nothing is going to get in my way, kids. Not the Constitution. Not Congress. Not Jake Goddamn Tapper. And certainly not any "thorny ethical issues" or "complicated legal questions that raise eyebrows" or whatever weak, stupid language they want to use to describe it on Slate.

I will fully monetize the Presidency of the United States, strip it down to the nail holes, and by the time those fat hicks in Ohio realize what I've done, I'll be in a gold room in a non-extradition country with a half dozen hookers who all look like my daughter. (Yes, I said it. You keep thinking I'm going to show some shame about this, don't you? You people are adorable.)

Anyway, my path is clear. No conflicts. The only consideration I've got is I also want to make sure I get a sweet war in.

You know what? I bet I can even force them to let me launch one of those drone strikes myself.

"No one has ever done this before," a junior officer will say, nervously, while I push the button on some ratbag village. God, people always say that, and they always think it will stop me.

I can't wait.

TRUMP TALES OF TERROR is about ugly creatures, murderous fantasies, and apocalyptic worlds – and they’re right in America. YOU CAN BUY IT HERE.

Wednesday, January 4, 2017

"Trump's Nuclear War Is Really Going To Make Those Libtards Cry!"

I've been drinking liberal tears by the mugful! Seeing those special snowflakes cry and rush to their safe spaces after the Trump beatdown has been a real thrill. And it's only going to get better, people. This year Donald J. Trump is going to be the actual president, and those NPR whiners will lose it every damn day. He'll be building a wall and smashing PC culture, and probably even starting an accidental nuclear war. It will drive liberals nuts.

I love it when Trump shows he just doesn't care about stupid rules and customs. He tells it like it is. And over the next four years he'll be giving it straight, even if it makes Chuck Todd squeal like a nervous piglet or escalates tensions with the Chinese to the point where an intelligence failure could trigger an exchange of ICBMs. Seeing those lefties get their panties in a knot over a few tweets or the incineration of a half dozen American cities will be delicious. Bring it on! Bring it. The fuck. On.

We elected Donald Trump to make this country great again. And you know what that means? That means not sweating the stupid protocols that only elites worry over. That's why we tell racist jokes and don't care about the possibility of an arms race on the Korean peninsula. Getting hung up on that is exactly the problem.

Trump knows who elected him, and he's going to keep us happy. Period. Maybe that means the guys on some MSNBC roundtable have a sniffle or two because they can't get their stupid climate change bill through, or because the fallout has given cancer to the surviving remnants of the American population. We don't care, okay? Rachel Maddow going into meltdown or Ohio not existing anymore is part of the lulz, baby.

There's a whole nation full of people begging for what's coming next. And by God, Trump's going to give it to us.

Praise Kek.

TRUMP TALES OF TERROR is about ugly creatures, murderous fantasies, and apocalyptic worlds – and they’re right in America. YOU CAN BUY IT HERE.

Monday, December 19, 2016

I Don't Understand Why White People Would Burn Down Their Own Neighborhoods Like That

I don't have a problem with white people. I have friends who are white - a lot of them. They're even in my family. This isn't about race. It's about common sense. So whether it's politically correct or not we have to admit the truth: When white people get together and destroy their own neighborhoods - the way they did several weeks ago in early November - they're only hurting themselves.

We've seen this kind of behavior before. They get mad, they lash out, and they don't think about the consequences. And sure we're sad about the decent, law-abiding people who have to live in those communities. But too often we look for excuses; we say white people are suffering from globalism, or from economic decline, or that they're trapped in a cycle of ignorance and poverty - watching Hannity and Alex Jones all day, and listening to their terrible music.

We say they can't help themselves. And that's the real racism, okay?

Are white people angry about their situation in America? Sure. Do I sympathize? Of course, I do. But what they did to their own community will make it harder for it to become the kind of livable environment we all want them to have. Their display a few Tuesdays ago might have made them feel better, but it was self-destructive and self-defeating, and it's going to haunt them for some time.

White people don't need your pity, or your condescension. They need people to believe in them enough to hold them to the same standards we'd hold anyone else to. What we saw last month was an unacceptable act of mayhem and destruction and thoughtlessness. It was disgusting, and it has no place in civilized society. We need to come right out and admit it. It's not racist. It's the truth.

I don't see color. I think a white person who is responsible and hard-working can accomplish anything he or she wants to in this country. But only if they share this country's values.

Someday, I hope more white people will.

TRUMP TALES OF TERROR is about ugly creatures, murderous fantasies, and apocalyptic worlds – and they’re right in America. YOU CAN BUY IT HERE.

Friday, November 4, 2016

"REFRESH, worm!" A Message To America From Bondage Dom Nate Silver

REFRESH, you worm! 

You think you've refreshed enough? You're not done refreshing, until I SAY you're done. You're going to keep refreshing until your fingers are red and chapped. Or you'll get the paddle again.

You like the Polls-Plus paddle, don't you? DON'T YOU?

Look at the new polls. On your knees, and look at them! They're just raw numbers, aren't they? You don't know why it matters that figure changed in Indiana - it's not even a battleground, right? BUT NOW WE RUN THROUGH THE MODEL, AND HILLARY JUST LOST A QUARTER OF A PERCENT!

You're trembling, worm. You need the model, don't you? All three versions. EVEN THE NOWCAST. EVEN IF NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THE FUCK IT MEANS!

The model is everything, isn't it worm? Say it's everything. SAY IT.

Some jackass on MSNBC just tossed off a new SurveyMonkey number from New Hampshire, and they have graphics. But you're not impressed, are you? You don't listen to Chuck Todd, worm, do you? It's only one number, and it hasn't even been weighted yet!

Mike Barnicle is jawing about some guy he met in a bar with a goddamned insight? Peggy Noonan talked to her Puerto Rican friend at the store - a woman who might not even exist? Some context-free early voting stats you saw on Twitter?

None of that matters. None. Not until I say it matters. I will paddle you with the Poll-Plus if you disagree.


TRUMP TALES OF TERROR is about ugly creatures, murderous fantasies, and apocalyptic worlds – and they’re right in America. YOU CAN BUY IT HERE.

Thursday, November 3, 2016

"I Just Have To Keep Acting Presidential Until After The Election," By Donald Trump

Just a few more days, man.

Just. A few. More days.

You got this, buddy. All you need to do is keep acting calm and collected and presidential until after this election's over. Then you can unchain the beast.

God, it's going to be delicious. So many people are walking around, flapping their gums on TV, and attacking you on the internet. So many people criticizing you, and you can't just throw a pack of lawyers and security people at them like in the old days. The optics are bad.

Christ, optics. You're talking like one of them now. Kellyanne did this. You can't let her tell you what to do all the time. She smiles, and she gives you notes in that chirpy little voice, and you can't yell at her. She criticizes you.

But it's ok. It's nothing. In less than a week, if you keep this up... you'll be able to send a SEAL team after people you don't like. You'll be able to make people you don't like disappear. With a phone call. Isn't that worth a little crap-eating? Isn't it? Making nice with the female reporters and taking them seriously? Keep it up. Just a little longer.

And then you'll be able to do anything you like. Anything. To anyone.

Kellyanne doesn't know it, but she'll be the first to go. Because you had to listen.

TRUMP TALES OF TERROR is about ugly creatures, murderous fantasies, and apocalyptic worlds – and they’re right in America. YOU CAN BUY IT HERE.

Wednesday, November 2, 2016

There's Only One Scandal That's Ever Mattered In This Race...

Police are treating the burning of a black church in Mississippi -- during which vandals spray-painted "Vote Trump" on an exterior wall -- as a hate crime, saying it amounts to an act of voter intimidation. - CNN, 11/02/16

Neo-Nazi leader Andrew Anglin plans to muster thousands of poll watchers across all 50 states... The National Socialist Movement, various factions of the Ku Klux Klan and the white nationalist American Freedom Party all are deploying members to watch polls, either “informally” or, they say, through the Trump campaign. - Politico, 11/02/16

When Mexico sends its people, they’re not sending their best. They’re not sending you. They’re not sending you. They’re sending people that have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems with us. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. And some, I assume, are good people. - Donald Trump's presidential announcement, 6/15/16

He is not on his knees to Mexico and Mexican immigrants. Americans - real Americans - have been dreaming of a candidate who says the obvious: That illegal immigrants from Mexico are a low-rent bunch that includes rapists and murderers. - American Renaissance, a white nationalist website, 6/17/16

House Speaker Paul Ryan ripped Donald Trump's recent remarks saying a judge presiding over a lawsuit involving his business was biased because of his Mexican heritage as "the textbook definition of a racist comment. - CNN, 6/03/16

The scandal that should have taken down Donald Trump right at the beginning is the one that requires no investigation. You know the facts already. He and his supporters are bigots - against so many different kinds of people it's hard to keep track of them. They don't believe in the equal rights guaranteed by the American Constitution. They don't share the values we claim to support.

The reason that scandal did not take him down is that too many people in this country agree with them. Too many, and they dominate our political and economic system. And you always knew that too.

TRUMP TALES OF TERROR is about ugly creatures, murderous fantasies, and apocalyptic worlds – and they’re right in America. YOU CAN BUY IT HERE.

I Do Not Know Which Candidate To Vote For! Also, I Might Put My Penis In This Fan.

We do not have good choices, am I right? This election has been a contest between two bad candidates. It's hard to pick between them! On an unrelated note, I've been thinking very seriously of sticking my penis into a moving fan just to see what happens next.

One of the people in the race has a really disturbing record of cozying up to big business. The other is a secretive billionaire who won't release his financial records at all and seems to be the heavy favorite of Russian intelligence and the neo-Nazi movement. See? This decision is complicated! It's just like the way the blades of the fan are spinning so fast it looks like a transparent disk, so maybe you could put your male member through it without harm.

I just don't know.

One candidate has years of scandals behind her - nothing proven, mind you, but it makes you wonder whether she's up to the job, even though she's the most qualified, stable, and well-prepared person in the entire government, and her opponent has never worked a day in public service, plus he also flies into a week-long spit-flecked rage whenever he finds a Tweet he doesn't like. Which of these guys should have control over our nuclear arsenal? And is charging my cell phone so I can call 911 a good idea? You tell me, smarty-pants!

I guess it comes down to character. But that doesn't clear it up; it makes the choice harder. Option A promises to make US soldiers commit war crimes, wants to violate the First Amendment rights of millions, and says he's going to use the police to go after the press and his political enemies. Option B has emails. Emails I haven't seen! Jeez, this is tough.

Maybe I'll just flip a coin on whether to give the most powerful job in the government to a flawed political veteran or a racist demagogue. And then I'll flip the coin again on the whole penis-in-the-fan thing. What else can I do?

The only thing I'm sure of is I can't vote for Jill Stein or the Libertarians. I'm not an idiot.

TRUMP TALES OF TERROR is about ugly creatures, murderous fantasies, and apocalyptic worlds – and they’re right in America. YOU CAN BUY IT HERE.
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