Friday, December 28, 2012

A Message To The GOP From An Inflamed Appendix

Listen: There's a difference between useless and dangerous. I learned all about it. When you're useless they let you hang around awhile, where it's safe and warm, and no one expects you to do anything. But when you start posing a threat by causing a dull pain in the abdomen, say, or the possibility of an economic collapse... then they cut you out.

You're getting there. Believe me, I know.

In the last big race your guy couldn't win women, Latinos, African Americans, Asians, and even a lot of white men thought he was scary and out of touch. He made comments writing off almost half the country before the voting even started. Your foreign policy is to pick fights all over the world, and to treat self-criticism like it's treason or weakness. Your social policy is to treat women like their uteri are wards of the state. Your party is packed with people who want to stockpile weapons in case they need to topple the government, for chrissakes. It's packed with people who think global warming and evolution are fantasies but reparative prayer to turn gay people straight is real. You're the party of the old, the frightened, and the left behind. You're scared of the future, of the outside world, of people who look different and don't speak English. You're scared of science and resentful of anyone with a college degree. You represent every racist uncle who sends his family offensive chain emails and spoiled last Thanksgiving.

But none of these things are your real problem.

You can keep being all that, and you'll still be able to fill a huge portion of Congress with your scary, ignorant people. You'll still be able to raise money and appear on Fox. You'll be able to enjoy a comfortable uselessness for a good long time. It might even be fun, making the Dems do all the heavy lifting!

But when the whack-jobs you elected start acting like they'll destroy our credit rating or put us into a recession... that's when folks will do the surgery. Hell, some of your own guys have been saying you've gone off the deep end. This country has plenty of paranoid, heavily-armed rednecks... but they're not going to lose their jobs for you.

Believe me, if this keeps up they will chuck you Republicans out with the medical waste. And no one is going to say you didn't have it coming. Don't end up like me. I'd still be leeching resources from a healthy body if I'd behaved myself.

If you take my advice, there's no reason the GOP can't do the same.


  1. I'd suggest that the GOP's supports have been happily giving up their livelihoods to the GOP's (and now, largely the Dems') economic fantasies since the 80s.


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