Monday, July 31, 2017

Sean Spicer's New Job

We’ve been over this, and I stand by my previous statements. I was clear about these ridiculous charges. I am not Sean Spicer.

You need to drop this. I’ve answered all your questions about it. I’m not Spicer! I don’t see the need to take off my costume to satisfy everyone who badgers me in a parking lot.

No, I can’t “just remove the head.” The head is the whole point. I’m within sight of the playground, which means the client might see me – it’s an industry standard practice. A smart journalist should know that. I have no idea what research you’ve done, but I’m Spencer Schute, and I’m an educational entertainer, okay? I never would have talked to you, but I thought you were someone who might want to hire me for a birthday or a playdate.

And I’m not hiding! Get that straight. I have the third most successful solo practice in this line of work in Council Bluffs, Iowa. I’ve been seen by hundreds of kids and their parents. Does that sound like someone who’s trying to stay under the radar? Everyone knows me.

You’re just repeating yourself now. People like dealing with Sammy the Science Skink, and it gets them excited to learn about all their animal friends in the state’s ecosystem. It’s perfectly legal to appear in public, conduct business, and operate a motor vehicle while wearing any apparel, equipment, or costume necessary for one’s chief employment as long as eyesight, hearing, or movement is not restricted. That’s state law.

Fine. People don’t see my face. What does that prove? What does that prove really? That I’m a successful businessman who can think on his feet and answer rapid-fire questions in a high-pressure environment? That I’m responsible and personable, and I love what I do?

You should write a story about that. That’s a story worth writing about. Instead all you journalists do is tear everything down and trip people up. This Sean Spicer you’re talking about? This guy who worked for the White House? Yeah, well, I bet he’s pretty sick of your questions too.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go help some young people learn about photosynthesis.

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3 comments:

  1. More Bibeau is out into the world, and all is good again. I'm really truly honestly glad to have you back.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're glad?!

      I was frozen in a block of ice! With my kids!

      Delete

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